I woke up when my alarm went off at 5am, and my first thought was “We should really put Sweet Roll down.” I spent the next 10 minutes until the snooze went off in a half-sleep, dreaming and thinking about the idea.
As frequent readers know, last year Sweet Roll was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, pemphigus. We’ve spent nearly a year now, battling infection after infection and seeing multiple vets until it was finally diagnosed (I took him to the small animal hospital where I work to solve the puzzle). We’ve tried multiple treatments and through it all Sweet Roll has been a trooper. He’s put up with multiple biopsies, multiple injections, multiple medications in his feed. The worst was when we tried oral prednisone and he stopped eating completely. That was just a few weeks ago.
Through it all his skin has continued to deteriorate. It’s not common to come home and find multiple new lesions, oozing serous fluid and sometimes purulent discharge. Hair that was shaved for biopsies never grew back, and has left bald spots around his tail and on his chest. I took his collar off in December because it was rubbing his neck where his skin has hyperkertinized the hair was being rubbed off. That has never grown back. His ventral surface is full of hyperkertinized skin and oozing sores. His teats are extremely kertinized and scaly. His skin so tender that he flinches when I try to rub or pat him, and using a soft brush on his coat is out of the question.
In short, he looks awful.
And despite of this, his wonderful attitude shines through. He wants to interact, he is enjoying his meals and hay. While never gaining weight like I had hoped, he’s maintaining his weight around 100lbs easily.
I’ve been waiting for the point where his quality of life declines to the point where I feel like he’s ready for the end to come. When he was on the prednisone, I thought we were there. After a couple of days without the pred, he came back to life.
There are a lot of available treatments for pemphigus, few have been tested on goats. In fact, there are only FOUR documented, published cases of pemphigus in goats. 3 out of 4 cases are in juvenile goats. All treatments involve some sort of steroid, and each case is slightly different.
I feel like, looking at Sweet Roll, that this infection and disease has gotten to the point of no return. I felt like I was asking for a miracle, to remove these lesions and prevent their reoccurrence, and give me back my precious Sweet Roll.
Back to this morning.
I was quiet while doing the morning chores, and when HB asked over breakfast I told him I thought it might be time for Sweet Roll. HB said he had the same thought the night before while feeding him.
I went to work, prepared ask the doctor when he could come over and euthanize Sweet Roll. I had already planned his last meal – a flake of alfalfa, a scoop of grain, and his favorite treats.
Late in the morning, the office manager brought me back the latest copy of JAVMA, because dairy goats where on the cover. It’s a beautiful painting, and after looking at the artist’s website tonight, I really like her work.
I flipped through the issue, and an article caught my eye Successful treatment of juvenile pemphigus foliaceus in a Nigerian Dwarf goat. Intrigued, I sat down to read the article. Their treatment protocol involved Dex-SP (a very cheap drug) and gold salts. Hmmmm….
I read through the article a few times during the day and this afternoon, approached the vet. I felt like it was a sign. My decision. The journal’s cover. This article. A flicker of hope.
I talked through the protocol with the vet, explaining the decision I had made that morning. How I felt like this was a sign saying that I can’t put him down yet. The vet was excited, told me to order the drugs.
I call our supply company only to find out that the drug is ridiculously expensive. Crushed, I go back to the treatment room and tell the vet. He encouraged me to check the internet for Canadian pharmacies, which I did. Still expensive, at $23/dose, with the necessary treatment of one dose a week for at least 6 months. I checked other supply companies, compounding pharmacies, with no avail.
A flicker of hope.
A swift wind.
Blackness.
I hate the fact that in the end, money will be the determining factor as to whether Sweet Roll has a chance to fight this disease. But money is tight, and I’ve spent more than my fair share on him. Huck needs ulcer meds and has an upcoming ultrasound in a month. The goat shed needs finishing so that we can move the girls out of the horse barn. We have bills to pay and groceries to buy. All the animals need their groceries too.
One of the girls suggested we do a fundraiser if I really wanted to give this a shot. We toyed around with a “Save Sweet Roll” campaign that would include selling cinnamon buns. 🙂 I’m torn with this decision. It’s my first time having to decide when an animal is ready for relief from pain. But while I don’t want money to be the limiting factor, I don’t want Sweet Roll to suffer.
I’m glad I have tomorrow off, I could use a day of quiet.
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